Software Trainer Gifts

'Our computer teacher must be real old. She remembers using Windows 3.1.'

DIY IT software.

"All I need now is a trainer!"

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

"I've just been offered a job sorting out the Y1K bug.."

Life with a professional baseball catcher.

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

I'm going to practice on you before I start managing other people.

"Any questions?"

"Why do dogs wag their tails? Because it always brings results."

'Now THAT'S a presentation! Great delivery, great graphics, and he moonwalks from the room.'

"I'm not sure about this new trainee - he asked me when does he get to see the actual ropes."

How to deliver a successful presentation.

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

"Any questions?"

'One of the new targets is targeting which targets we're meant to target.'

"Good news...I found a doctor who says you can still play!"

Computer Expert

"The anger management consultant said he wasn't going to alter his **** dates at this t****stage which fits in with the 'managing change' consultant who said it was to late to change her plans..."

"And with the optional remote you make all these little lights go off and on really quickly." You can have an IT system with all the latest bells and whistles...or you could have one that WORKS

Hanging off every word...

"I believe I can create a great presentation if I can only tap into my cognitive dissonance."

Robot Jogger

Quality Control

"Excuse me a moment, whilst I just change hats."

"Just go with the workflow."

"The GOOD news is that 94 people want to attend the leadership training, the bad news is that 64 of them want to change the venue, 56 the time and 45 want to be course leader."

'First of all, relax.'

Targets.

"You may inflict pain, but it mustn't be severe or prolonged."

'Let's go! Let's go! Hustle! ...Relatively speaking.'

'Wait! Let's see if he gets up on his own.'

'I hope that training aid doesn't give him the idea that bigger laptops could mean more output.'

I can outsource your job to someone who'll work longer hours for less money. Less money I can understand...but how do they make the hours longer than 60 minutes?

"This is the communications workshop, right? Let’s get started, I’m prepared!"