Academic Chuckler Pillows

"Good news! I'm upgrading your condition from medical journal article to letter to the editor."

'You could always say the dog ate your lesson plan.'

"So the year '2020' can also be written. . ."

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'

'My teacher is a man of letters...except A and B.'

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

"Class, this is David. He's our new financial exchange student."

'And in conclusion.'

'In conclusion, I hope you all go out there, get well-paying jobs, and give lots of tax-deductible gifts to our alumni fund.'

'Hard or soft science?'

'Physical or Social Science?'

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

'Spelling, math, history, geography --now the stupid school wants me to take a polygraph test!'

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

Chaos Theory Conference.

"This'll show the Theology Department."

"No, Bobby, I won't put you on my do not call list."

"For the hundredth time—I have no idea how to make crystal meth."

Books on running a successful school,

The Milbrook Verney chair in literature. The C.K. Frebish endowment for footnotes.

"As a summation of our work it's pretty accurate...apart from the beginning, middle and end of all the words in between!"

"I thought SAT was 'Smart Alec Teacher'!"

"Here's the problem. Your computer isn't obsolete, you are."

"Along with 'Antimatter,' and 'Dark Matter,' we've recently discovered the existence of 'Doesn't Matter,' which appears to have no effect on the universe whatsoever."

How about you? Have you picked a major?

Undergraduate and don

The Big Four debate banking ethics

'Who gets the penile implant, him or me?'

'What does surrender mean?'

"Do you have this grant in a bigger size?"

"In an effort to avoid controversy, and to accommodate our attention spans, we will be replacing the commencement speaker with fortune cookies."

"Your research is impressive, but you have too many original ideas to be credible..."

"Why do I always get stuck with being the guardian angel to someone who can't seem to finish his Ph.D.?"

The Perpetual Motion (just a figure of speech) Institute.