Academic Comedian Pillows

'In conclusion, I hope you all go out there, get well-paying jobs, and give lots of tax-deductible gifts to our alumni fund.'

"I got an 'A' in hopelessness and a 'B' in missed opportunities."

"For the hundredth time—I have no idea how to make crystal meth."

"Ms. Higgins, remind me which 'ism' am I to be this week."

"I just got me 'git 'er done' certificate!!!"

"Johnny, your marks are very average."

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

Math 101, for those who can only count to 100.

'It says I missed freshmen Orientation and I have to take it in summer school in order to graduate.'

'I hope I run out of money before I flunk out.'

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'So what are you studying, young man?'

'The sound of one hand clapping.'

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding as written and as it would have been written if David Hume had invested in a word processor,

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

Rita's PhD defense wasn't going well."

Don't you hate...

"Class, this is David. He's our new financial exchange student."

'I'm on the short degree course... hell of a lot to pack into one year!'

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

'And in conclusion.'

Peer-reviewed journal publication.

Physicists disputing whether the clock moves backwards or forwards according to season change.

'Hard or soft science?'

Scientists continue their research on the Hippocampus.

'Physical or Social Science?'

Professor McWit, crushed by an avalanche of Philosophy 101 texts, proves again that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

By the year 2500, 1 in 10 academics will devote their entire career to divining the meaning of the word 'sussudio'.

"Yes, next year you'll be moving from classroom to classrooms, and, no, it doesn't count as PE."

'Spelling, math, history, geography --now the stupid school wants me to take a polygraph test!'

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

Chaos Theory Conference.