Academic Advisor Amusement Gifts

'Don't think of them as bad grades - think of them as sobering statistics.'

Ethics exam cheater.

'As a beginning teacher, you know you come here prepared to teach and become a good teacher. As you gain experience, you will learn that you also come here to care and become a great teacher.'

"Oh, stop it. You are not at all obtuse." Complimentary angles make the other angles feel good about themselves.

Continuing education.

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

"I'd like to change my major from dental to mental."

Personnel. I've heard of "magna cum laude" and "summa cum laude," but I've never heard of a person graduating "persona non grata." (Published originally on June 3, 1981.)

'You will now be presented with your degrees. That is, of course, after you jump through another one of our little hoops.'

Teacher has two boxes: "Book Smart" and "Street Smart"

"I wanted to deliver a message of hope and tolerance in a complex global society but I decided to update them on the Kardashians instead."

"Oh my goodness. My lecture on John Donne has just been awarded Most Pizzazzy Metaphysical Lecture of the Year."

"Loves it, just can't get the little fellow off it"

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

Chaos Theory Conference.

Bachelors and Masters degrees.

"Improve your geography results, Perkins or you're history!"

"I think our daughter should change her major. She can now ask for money in 3 different languages!"

"Professor Williams had at first been reluctant to join the Assistant Deans in their Think Great Thoughts aerobics. He later came to enjoy the activity."

"When I go to college, I'm focusing on a STEM area of study!"

"Aren't you young to be worrying about college?"

Hi, I work at the admissions office of the local university. If you could change the world in three days, what would you do?

"I love college."

Books on running a successful school,

'Yeah, but would you want to have a beer with him.'

'Wow, that sounds rigorous. What are the prerequisites for living in my mom's basement?'

"Well - that's enough from me, I shall now introduce our Head of Pensions..."

"As a summation of our work it's pretty accurate...apart from the beginning, middle and end of all the words in between!"

"Summer's coming. How does pre-med camp sound."

'My tutor kindly agreed to help!'

"Along with 'Antimatter,' and 'Dark Matter,' we've recently discovered the existence of 'Doesn't Matter,' which appears to have no effect on the universe whatsoever."

"Some days I really wish I had finished med school. Not that I ever started med school."

"He's at grade level for everything except cursing. He's swearing at a 9th grade level."