Academic Advisor Amusement Gifts

'Don't think of them as bad grades - think of them as sobering statistics.'

Ethics exam cheater.

'As a beginning teacher, you know you come here prepared to teach and become a good teacher. As you gain experience, you will learn that you also come here to care and become a great teacher.'

"Oh, stop it. You are not at all obtuse." Complimentary angles make the other angles feel good about themselves.

Continuing education.

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

"I'd like to change my major from dental to mental."

'You will now be presented with your degrees. That is, of course, after you jump through another one of our little hoops.'

Teacher has two boxes: "Book Smart" and "Street Smart"

"Loves it, just can't get the little fellow off it"

"Oh my goodness. My lecture on John Donne has just been awarded Most Pizzazzy Metaphysical Lecture of the Year."

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

Chaos Theory Conference.

Bachelors and Masters degrees.

"Improve your geography results, Perkins or you're history!"

"I think our daughter should change her major. She can now ask for money in 3 different languages!"

"I love college."

"Aren't you young to be worrying about college?"

Hi, I work at the admissions office of the local university. If you could change the world in three days, what would you do?

"Professor Williams had at first been reluctant to join the Assistant Deans in their Think Great Thoughts aerobics. He later came to enjoy the activity."

"When I go to college, I'm focusing on a STEM area of study!"

Books on running a successful school,

'Yeah, but would you want to have a beer with him.'

"Well - that's enough from me, I shall now introduce our Head of Pensions..."

'Wow, that sounds rigorous. What are the prerequisites for living in my mom's basement?'

"As a summation of our work it's pretty accurate...apart from the beginning, middle and end of all the words in between!"

"Summer's coming. How does pre-med camp sound."

'My tutor kindly agreed to help!'

'Come now - surely we can draw up this pre-nuptial agreement amicably.'

"Some days I really wish I had finished med school. Not that I ever started med school."

"He's at grade level for everything except cursing. He's swearing at a 9th grade level."

"Along with 'Antimatter,' and 'Dark Matter,' we've recently discovered the existence of 'Doesn't Matter,' which appears to have no effect on the universe whatsoever."