Absurdity Advocate Gifts

'They suspect arson.'

"If you killed him using a tennis racket, you need a sports lawyer."

"Our property taxes went up agian."

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

"If nothing else needs welding, Paula, I'm going to lunch."

"Good" "Bad" "Work on it" "Keep working - maybe it's not as bad as you think it is" "Put it to a committee" "Give up" "Make it worse" "Make it better" "Still a bad idea" "Overthink it" "Throw yourself into a pit of wild badgers" "Throw it away" "Call it done" "Sigh."

(oil - petroleum - gushing out of inkwell)

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

Tourists and their Pets.

'Before you can enter, you need to punch in the verification code so we can be certain that you're a real soul,'

"Bigfoot"

'Oh great. Our luggage has been sent to Alpha Centauri.'

Glance Exchange

"I have to refill it everyday. He has a tendency to retain water."

A golden Big Boy holding a plate of poop

Giant ape juggling planes and captive.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Barcode Dreams

Penguins flying to igloo birdhouse

"After the drugstore, I need you to find fresh parmesan."

Extreme Sisyphus

Optimist

Admit it. We have a drinking problem.

The deadly sport of cobra staring contests.

"Good news. It's a small pig."

Zoo: No Hunting.

"Exactly how undecided would you say you were at this precise moment?"

"And once you've achieved your 25% improvement in client satisfaction surveys, we need you to solve the problem of global warming,third world poverty and cold toast."

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

"Who's next?"

"But you can eat as much as you want from the tree of bullshit."

"Could you tilt the Earth just a bit more away from the light?"

"Leon, honey, you break all the rules of dramaturgy."

"And the Hungriest Black Hole there ever was ate everything in the entire universe and lived happily ever after."