Abstract Art Connoisseur Gifts

"...A child of six could do it."

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

Instructional guide to scribbling

"An unfortunate museum gift shop." "Banksy activity set." "Jackson Pollock coloring book." "MC Escher building blocks." "Claes Oldenburg miniatures." "Marceau Marceau CDs." "Seurat's connect-the-dots aaAAAAA."

Saint George and the Drag Queen

The Thought Process.

It's a call from Tate modern.

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

Mr. Empirical With "Antarctica""Small is hostile. Rage contributes to shift away from literality. I'm off to True Value Hardware for some more self-reference tools."

That midnight hour when fleeting memories come home to roost.

'Projectile painting.'

"You're welcome."

Pastorius wonders why.

Jackson Pollock Studio

"I believe it took a team of twenty five, working six months at a cost of �250, 000 to come up with that."

'My interpretation is that it deals with the artist's utter frustration over the scarcity of remaining, reasonable equity values.'

Surreal ale

The Cremaster Cycle

"Hamlet. By William Shakespeare." Painting.

"So, Sandra, what can you tell us about your lovely mood board?"

Cocktail glasses swimming in the sea.

"Feel better, dear?"

Marriage a la Mode - Death of the Earl.

Art Gallery.

"I've considered portraiture, but everyone is so ugly."

"By 'genius' do they mean the artist or the marketing department?"

Curators at the Louvre Museum would regret approving the installation of a work on a wall behind the Mona Lisa.

'How can they call it modern art when it's 100 year's old?'

"It's wonderful, darling. It really says Manhattan."

"Definitive." "Compelling." "Persuasive." "Upside down."

"See that? He's the kind of peasant I detest."