Zeitgeist Jokester Pillows

'You use HERBS to help you levitate? - How does THAT work?'

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

'I've been a nervous rex all day.'

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

"Beat it! Here comes the major and his entire staff!"

"Something will fall down from the sky and it will be the end of the world - just because you didn't eat all of your carrion for lunch, my boy!"

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

'Barry I think it's time you had your eyes checked!'

'Classical music, huh?...You mean like Elvis?'

"Before someone says anything, yes, it was a long winter."

'What, not even a kiss first?'

"Honey! A Jewish starfish!"

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

Dorothy gets a visit from her funny Valentine.

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

"I'm very highly strung!"

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'

Practical joke, violent offender rehab center: 'Relate to me!'

"You know darn well my maiden name wasn't Rex. Why do you ask?"

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"

That's no largemouth bass, son - You caught yourself a rare blabbermouth bass. I'm nothin'! A nobody! Throw me back and I'll show you where the really big fish are!

Athen's Theater. "Oedipus Rex" didn't test well as a title, Sophocles. How would you feel about calling it "My Big Fat Greek Tragedy"?

'He's a pretty good pet, except for the 'walkies' part.'

'Existential truckstop'

'We're all gonna have lovely hangovers in the morning!'

Snail slow to react to an ant's joke.