Youth Counseling Gifts

"That cross is not divine. It's a symbol of how out of control things can get when a teenager lies about how she got pregnant."

Criminal Youths Need Help Instead of Punishment!

"My granddaughter's first words to me were 'OK, Boomer.' I have no idea what that even means."

"Soul searching? Yes, you could call it that."

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

Their marriage in jeopardy, Strawberry Shortcake and Billy Bob Banana Bread seek therapy.

Licensed Therapist

"I invited a few friends over who think you should see a psychiatrist."

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"How's your insomnia?" "Bad, I can't even fall sleep during meetings."

(When I'm good I'm very very good, but when I'm bad I'm... Well….) (Horrid?)

"We first met on the net. We began to court, but between my foul mouth and Wilson being on the rebound...let's just say it was a long shot, but he pressed, and I was defenseless. Now, we're as 'hoopy' as can be."

"What do you want to talk about first...the kleptomania or the hoarding?"

"We'll always have couples therapy."

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

'...when did you first get these feelings of wanting to be a psychiatrist?'

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

Try Mediation

"I need him to stop think and start listening."

'Great Therapy!'

'Come on, you can make it work! You're supposed to be Lovebirds after all...'

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

"You've reached Randy the love doctor. What ails you?"

My Brother Al once went through a period of depression, your honor. He would just sit around in his robe all day. Then his psychiatrist got him out of his funk. Would you like to have his doctor's phone number? ? ?

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

"I scream! You scream! I can't stop the screaming!"

You were warned about mixed marriages.

'That reminds me of the blind date I had last weekend!'

"I've finally found a therapist who understands options."

'When we first met there was a chemistry between us. These days though, it's more of a 'chemistry set'.'

First you're a law student, then you're a lawyer, then you're a judge, then you're a politician, then you're a criminal.