Yearly Check-up Pillows

'Time for your yearly rectal exam.'

'Well, well, well...'

"If it were painful, could I do this?"

'The doctor's gonna have to wire your mouth shut for a month... but guess what! If you're brave, I'll give you this lollipop when he's done!'

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

"Breathe in and reimagine yourself in a world where you lived a healthy lifestyle."

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

'I'm even starting to watch Lifetime.'

"I hope you don't mind - I'm training a brand-new assistant and I've asked her to check your blood pressure."

'You've still got the right stuff, only now it's in the wrong places.'

Flu vaccine.

"I haven't lost any weight after two weeks of dieting, but my hair's getting thinner."

'Your blood pressure is extremely high - your resistance to things that cause it, extremely low!'

"Looks like you've been renewed fro one more season."

'It's not my fault that I've developed habits that cannot be sustained.'

'Great news, Methuselah Tests show you'll live to be 100!'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

"So what brings you in today?"

'You're leaving if I'm going to inject him?...

Prostate Exam Second Opinion

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

'His next appointment is on the 17th when the clock's little hand is on the two and the big one's on the nine.'

"Your EKG corresponds with the stock market report."

"Sorry, but it is not negotiable! You have to let Tim clean your teeth twice a day!"

"Good for you for getting your mammogram."

"I have your lab test results. Cut back on your vitamins. You have the healthiest urine I have ever seen."

Patient sees smiling doctor and mean-looking doctor: 'Oh, I get it ? it's the old good cholesterol/bad cholesterol routine.'

"You're carrying a lot of tension in your neck."

Man checks the gears in his chest.

"Well, there's nothing wrong with his lungs anyway."

'Wake up, Mr. Granger, the doctor will see you about your insomnia now.'

"Alright, Grandfather, let's check your ticker."