Annual Checkup Pillows

"This can't be right. I was supposed to lose 20 lbs before my next annual exam - maybe I should postpone my appointment for ... another year."

"The doctor will be right with me. . ."

"Are you here for you annual or your perennial?"

'Your blood pressure is extremely high - your resistance to things that cause it, extremely low!'

"So what brings you in today?"

'If I were your broker, I'd tell you to sell.'

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

'Well, well, well...'

'I'm ninety-two! Tell me what I'm doing wrong... I dare you!"

"If it were painful, could I do this?"

'The doctor's gonna have to wire your mouth shut for a month... but guess what! If you're brave, I'll give you this lollipop when he's done!'

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

"Breathe in and reimagine yourself in a world where you lived a healthy lifestyle."

I'm trying to read your test results from urology, but their server can only stream them a little bit at a time.

'I'm even starting to watch Lifetime.'

"The saying Use It or Lose It isn’t referring to one’s appetite."

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

"I hope you don't mind - I'm training a brand-new assistant and I've asked her to check your blood pressure."

"I know — but he was nervous and his support dog didn’t seem to mind."

Flu vaccine.

'You've still got the right stuff, only now it's in the wrong places.'

"I haven't lost any weight after two weeks of dieting, but my hair's getting thinner."

"Looks like you've been renewed fro one more season."

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

"The cape comes off too."

'You're leaving if I'm going to inject him?...

'Great news, Methuselah Tests show you'll live to be 100!'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

"If it's nothing serious' why did you put on five pairs of gloves?"

'It's not my fault that I've developed habits that cannot be sustained.'

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

Prostate Exam Second Opinion

'His next appointment is on the 17th when the clock's little hand is on the two and the big one's on the nine.'

'But I think shopping three times a week is more than enough exercise!'

"Good news, Mr. Pickett—it's just a slow leak."