Annual Health Check Pillows

'Triglycerides? Let's just say when your cholesterol,HDL and LDL are partying it up, he's the guy you want to gate crash!'

"Wow. Suddenly I've got fever, cough, sore throat, runny nose, headaches and body aches, chills, and fatigue."

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

'Well, well, well...'

"If it were painful, could I do this?"

"Breathe in and reimagine yourself in a world where you lived a healthy lifestyle."

'I'm even starting to watch Lifetime.'

"The saying Use It or Lose It isn’t referring to one’s appetite."

"I hope you don't mind - I'm training a brand-new assistant and I've asked her to check your blood pressure."

"I know — but he was nervous and his support dog didn’t seem to mind."

Flu vaccine.

'You've still got the right stuff, only now it's in the wrong places.'

"I haven't lost any weight after two weeks of dieting, but my hair's getting thinner."

'Your blood pressure is extremely high - your resistance to things that cause it, extremely low!'

"Looks like you've been renewed fro one more season."

"You need to do less talking the talk and more walking the walk."

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

'You're leaving if I'm going to inject him?...

"So what brings you in today?"

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

"If it's nothing serious' why did you put on five pairs of gloves?"

'It's not my fault that I've developed habits that cannot be sustained.'

'Great news, Methuselah Tests show you'll live to be 100!'

Prostate Exam Second Opinion

'His next appointment is on the 17th when the clock's little hand is on the two and the big one's on the nine.'

'But I think shopping three times a week is more than enough exercise!'

"Sorry, but it is not negotiable! You have to let Tim clean your teeth twice a day!"

"Your EKG corresponds with the stock market report."

Full System Scan

"Take up some light exercise or a sporting activity - as a football perhaps."

"Good news, Mr. Pickett—it's just a slow leak."

"I have your lab test results. Cut back on your vitamins. You have the healthiest urine I have ever seen."

"Good for you for getting your mammogram."

'You're not totally out of shape - you have a very muscular tongue.'