Yearly Check-up Gifts

'Time for your yearly rectal exam.'

'Well, well, well...'

"If it were painful, could I do this?"

'The doctor's gonna have to wire your mouth shut for a month... but guess what! If you're brave, I'll give you this lollipop when he's done!'

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

"Breathe in and reimagine yourself in a world where you lived a healthy lifestyle."

I'm trying to read your test results from urology, but their server can only stream them a little bit at a time.

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

'I'm even starting to watch Lifetime.'

"I hope you don't mind - I'm training a brand-new assistant and I've asked her to check your blood pressure."

Flu vaccine.

"I haven't lost any weight after two weeks of dieting, but my hair's getting thinner."

'You've still got the right stuff, only now it's in the wrong places.'

'Your blood pressure is extremely high - your resistance to things that cause it, extremely low!'

"Looks like you've been renewed fro one more season."

"The cape comes off too."

'Great news, Methuselah Tests show you'll live to be 100!'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

'It's not my fault that I've developed habits that cannot be sustained.'

"So what brings you in today?"

'You're leaving if I'm going to inject him?...

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

Prostate Exam Second Opinion

'His next appointment is on the 17th when the clock's little hand is on the two and the big one's on the nine.'

"Sorry, but it is not negotiable! You have to let Tim clean your teeth twice a day!"

"Your EKG corresponds with the stock market report."

"You're flying a little bit right now, aren't you?"

"Good for you for getting your mammogram."

"I have your lab test results. Cut back on your vitamins. You have the healthiest urine I have ever seen."

"No, we haven't started yet. My hand was cold."

Patient sees smiling doctor and mean-looking doctor: 'Oh, I get it ? it's the old good cholesterol/bad cholesterol routine.'

"You're carrying a lot of tension in your neck."

"Alright, Grandfather, let's check your ticker."

Man checks the gears in his chest.

"I just want to know if I'm healthy enough for bacon?"