Writing Resumes Gifts

"Are all these letters of recommendation from your mother?"

NOW HIRING, 'I don't have any formal training for the position, but I've read all the relevant Wikipedia articles.'

'Would you cart to explain this three page gap in your resume?'

Personnel. Portions of my resume have been redacted for national security reasons.

Your performance since you came here suggests you may have lied on your resume.

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"He's having a hard time finding work."

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

JOIN THE BOY SCOUTS HERE!, ''Trustworthy, friendly, loyal, helpful, kind, courteous, brave, thrifty, obedient and cheerful' -- This is going to look GREAT on my resume!'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

"Your CV will be sufficient, Mr. Cooper."

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

"You inhabit the body of someone who has an impressive résumé."

Job Interview Gone Bad.

Personnel. Any experience in crisis management? No...Just production.

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

"Would you like something you're under qualified for, or something you're overqualified for?"

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

"Very impressive resume, however you didn't explain why you were tagged and released from your last job."

Tweaking the CV.

"If I had known this was such a great place to work I would have lied more on my resume."

"We were looking for somebody with experience in mumbo-jumbo but your resume is mainly about gobbledegook."

Your resume says you were a waiter...

'I didn't have time to prepare a resume.'

"I'll have to get someone younger to look at your résumé. I'm not fluent in emoji."

'This resume is incredible. Would you be able to lie this well under pressure?'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."