Writing Instructor Gifts

"The narrative seems contrived."

"It's a nice story, Mr. Fergus, but why do you always write in the passive voice?" "I suppose because I've been a taxpayer all my life."

'Your poetry totally captures the raw, primitive essence of the writing workshops you've attended.'

Louise Glück

"Tim has had a challenging year confronting a maelstrom of emotions as he sought to..."

"Isn't this outdated because there are script fonts now?"

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

"1984 by George Orwell. Project 2025. Presidential transition project."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

"They say it takes 10,000 hours to perfect something- I guess I was a bit hasty throwing that together in 144."

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

Mike (The Situation) is rumored to have written the original manuscript for his best-selling memoir entirely out of bronzer.

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

Copycats

I should be a writer when I grow up...

Blue Stockings - Woman revealing herself as author

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

Hey, calm down --- Now, what did you say again?

"If a stock falls in the market, and it had no investors, does it really lose its value?"

"After years of cartoon rejections, Bill stooped to trying a little shameless product placement."

'How fast can you hype?'

Ed Flanders, Deconstruction Worker

Squeezing the Free Press.

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

Campaign for Plain English

For his next book, he would write an epic novel of the sea.

'Darling I want you to remember this always,,,'

Library sections; Fiction, non-fiction and do-it-yourself.

My Bookshelf Before the Internet

Come in, minion. What's up, boss? I'm writing a novel. It's a thriller about an intrepid caf

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

Torturing the English Language