Workplace Humor Seeker Gifts

"According to our records, we gave you a raise 15 years ago. And now you've requested another one? Greed is not a quality we like in our employees."

No, I didn't know they were going to cut the office furniture budget in half.

Pounding speeds up the computer.

'You forget, I'm a blackbelt in powerpoint.'

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

"Well, ordinary men have colleagues. Successful men have victims."

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

"Worst case of month-end burnout I ever saw."

"You've proven your worth a hundred times over. Let's try for a thousand."

'Let me worry about the one percent inspiration, you just take care of the 99 percent perspiration.'

'Sorry, suffering from burnout return in a week.'

"How's your insomnia?" "Bad, I can't even fall sleep during meetings."

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

'Is that the sweet smell of success or some imitation air freshener?'

'What happened to that efficiency report? I had it in my hand not two minutes ago.'

'The staff is being reduced. The exit strategy will be explained at a meeting to be held, after work, in the parking lot.'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

Gay Times...

"On the plus side, I finally have a key to the executive washroom."

"That's the last time I'm going to allow politics to be discussed in the office."

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tick, tock-tock, tickety-tick tock ….

Food Chain, Inc: 'UP...DOWN'.

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

"If you could be in any cubicle, which one would it be?"

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

"Yes, I saw the obituary. So, is that why you weren't in yesterday?"

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

'A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people who were made redundant by the computer.'

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

"If it appears that I only act like I'm working, it's because I minored in Theater."

Armstrong? Why did UPS just deliver a microscope, a robotic arm, a huge incubator, a nucleus extractor and a dozen lab rats? Well, it's certainly not so I can replace you with an army of clones programmed to work for free. Well

"I never accomplish the impossible, if I did it would become an expectation."

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'