Workplace Gifts

'Who vetted that leader?'

'It's not that Ted was a bad guy, he was just all out of 5's.'

"Ahh, the arbitration team is here."

'I think we have a communication problem.' - 'You can say that again, I fired you two weeks ago.'

"And if you do any work, put it here."

"As you can see from the flow chart, the problem stems from a lack of direction."

"Sometimes it's important to stop whatever break you're taking and just do the work."

Passing the buck.

'In hindsight, I believe that our oversight was shortsighted. At least that's my insight.'

Employee performance review software.

"In principle we're happy with the trust idea...as long as it's properly monitored and regulated!"

"Not to worry—I'm going to put our best-looking people on the job."

"No, I don't call it 'sexual harassment'. I call it casual friday!"

"Change in plans - the deadline's been moved up to four days ago."

'Ted, I think we need to re-evaluate your carrot.'

'Sorry, I can't take your order right now...I'm on my coffee break.'

'What's the minimal level of competence around here?'

"Baxter, I've decided to take you off crisis management."

Bob kept missing the point and was forced to wait around for the next one.

"This is Daddy, honey. That was Daddy's office voice."

The idiot on my shoulder

Performance management: "Have you seen this?"

"Turns out the training budget has been cut, so we'll continue doing things the stupid way for another year."

Personnel: 'Next question, what was the reason for leaving your last job?' Reply: 'I got sick of being questioned about everything I did!'

Your performance evaulations and sales figures are exceptional, but the company's a little bit concerned by your cholesterol numbers.

There now, that wasn't too difficult was it!

'When I talked about, 'fundamental changes to chore practices to align ourselves with a changing business environment', I was referring to more than you moving your desk closer to the window.'

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

'Don't worry! Since 28% of my salary goes to the government, I've decided to work 72% of the time!'

"Don't invade his space."

'Right, moving on to the housekeeping...'

"Quit complaining. In these times, most people would be happy to have your job security."

We want everyone to be number one...

"Sorry, I'm preaching again. Why don't we pause for a moment while I pass around the collection plate."

'It's just a familiarity we like to go through with new employees.'