Witty Trader T-Shirts

'I'll trade you my topsoil for your apple.'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'You raised the price of air to 50c!' 'Inflation.'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'Oh, and one more thing

'I feel I owe a lot to my country.' - 'So, you haven't paid your income tax again.'

In 1682 in a remote cave in the Ural Mountains, Heinrick Glaston discovers irony.

'What can we do to reduce our spending?'

Did you actually pass the bar? Usually, I go in at lunch for a beer, but yes, today I passed it. Care to join me when I do go in later?

"Our founder was a real joker. That's the first silver dollar he ever glued to the floor."

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

"Actually the salary isn't important. . . I just need a desk to rest my feet on."

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

This beer has given me the courage to invite you back to my place. This wine has given me the courage to invite you to drop dead.

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

"My Dad told me not to make the same mistakes he did. That doesn't leave much left!"

Mechanics price list.

"I survived this long by telling all the young toms that a farmer will bring an ax to cut the fence downed set free the first turkey he sees."

One Way/Two Ways.

'Ignore him - philosophers will do anything to attract attention.'

"All I know is, I named my pet porcupine Bill Ackman, and he immediately lost a hundred points."

Slow food.

'Maybe I've got washboard abs underneath - you ever think that?'

I heard you have a really bad toothache. Meh. Not anymore. "Meh"? I got bored of that, so I just moved on. Amazing. "Mindless over matter." Bored of this phone.

"You've put on weight."

Never judge a nose job at face value.

"Mr. Berkowitz, I and my Jewish career counselor, hereby wish you a mazel tov on your birthday."

'You give me flintstones. If great light climbs up sky again tomorrow, I keep stones. If great light don't climb up sky, you lose stones.'

'I should warn you - all our 'non-loaded' funds are alcohol free.'

"I like it, but the women will never wear it."

"As you know, Ed, my pockets are considerably deeper than yours. Therefore, in addition to my share I'll be needing a percentage of yours."

St. Lukes Church: Pray and Display

"I'd like something profound, witty, and outrageously irreverent."

"Probably shouldn't have finished off the saltines."

"I happen."