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"As you know, Ed, my pockets are considerably deeper than yours. Therefore, in addition to my share I'll be needing a percentage of yours."

'I should warn you - all our 'non-loaded' funds are alcohol free.'

The day the stock market went UP.

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

Saving for College.

'Believe me dad. I'm on the school math team. If your investments declined 50 then increased 50 you did not break even.'

'You raised the price of air to 50c!' 'Inflation.'

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

"I had a low birth weight but a high birthright."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

'Oh, and one more thing

A statue of a businessman in a park with an inscription that reads "Outperformed the market".

'I actually look forward to hibernating during bull markets.'

'The prince and the princess lived happily ever after on their profits from capital-appreciation funds.'

'I feel I owe a lot to my country.' - 'So, you haven't paid your income tax again.'

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'What can we do to reduce our spending?'

Elevator buttons read: Way Up/up/Down/Way Down.

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

"If you don't bury 10% of your bones, you'll have nothing when you retire."

"We don't do that kind of cattle futures, ma'am. You want Madam Mystic down the street."

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'

'May I have my allowance in gold bullion?'

'He writes one great work of fiction every year...his tax return.'

"Our founder was a real joker. That's the first silver dollar he ever glued to the floor."

"So is it good or bad if a stock is viral?"

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

Looking Daggers

'Stocks took a dive when a top economist was overheard saying 'Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.''

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

"My Dad told me not to make the same mistakes he did. That doesn't leave much left!"