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"As you know, Ed, my pockets are considerably deeper than yours. Therefore, in addition to my share I'll be needing a percentage of yours."

'I should warn you - all our 'non-loaded' funds are alcohol free.'

The day the stock market went UP.

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

'Believe me dad. I'm on the school math team. If your investments declined 50 then increased 50 you did not break even.'

Saving for College.

'You raised the price of air to 50c!' 'Inflation.'

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"I had a low birth weight but a high birthright."

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

A statue of a businessman in a park with an inscription that reads "Outperformed the market".

'Oh, and one more thing

'I actually look forward to hibernating during bull markets.'

'I feel I owe a lot to my country.' - 'So, you haven't paid your income tax again.'

'The prince and the princess lived happily ever after on their profits from capital-appreciation funds.'

Elevator buttons read: Way Up/up/Down/Way Down.

'What can we do to reduce our spending?'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

"We don't do that kind of cattle futures, ma'am. You want Madam Mystic down the street."

So what happens when you told Armstrong you wouldn't recite that Sinclair Broadcasting script? Oh, nothing. Sinclair sued me for everything I own, that's all. But the joke's on them: I've set up different LLC's for every aspect of my life. So all they could get were the assets of the LLC that they paid. This opens up a whole world of possibilities. I knew forming Rudy-has-next-to-nada LLC was a good idea. I am going to miss my ten cents and my broken wiffle ball, though.

"If you don't bury 10% of your bones, you'll have nothing when you retire."

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'

'May I have my allowance in gold bullion?'

"So is it good or bad if a stock is viral?"

'He writes one great work of fiction every year...his tax return.'

Looking Daggers

"Our founder was a real joker. That's the first silver dollar he ever glued to the floor."

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

'Stocks took a dive when a top economist was overheard saying 'Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.''