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St. Lukes Church: Pray and Display

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

3 Pointless Things To Do At Christmas: Add a little festivity to your favourite fast food/Look up an old friend/Murder the Scotch.

'Oh, and one more thing

"How the heck could you forget your sword?"

'Oil painting is fine, but I can't do watercolours, obviously...'

"Yes, it was 'love at first sight'. But, by the time I'd made my first opticians appointment we were already married."

'Without thinking Captain Hook uses the wrong hand'

Technical specifications: semi-automatic 1.2 mm cartoon launcher. 7.5 inch barrels holds a full stick of graphite. Fires rounds of sarcasm, satire and spoofs. Takes out religious fanatics with sharp wit.

Knights of the iPhone

'Can we just do this pass-fail?'

"When life gives me lemons, I know twenty-six ways to kill a man with a lemon."

Did you actually pass the bar? Usually, I go in at lunch for a beer, but yes, today I passed it. Care to join me when I do go in later?

This beer has given me the courage to invite you back to my place. This wine has given me the courage to invite you to drop dead.

"And if anything goes wrong I'd like to donate my body to comedy."

"My husband would get out and change the tire, but he has a lug nut allergy."

'You really need to start watching what you eat, make sure your meals are balanced, and try to resist weighting yourself every day...'

Picasso's brew period.

"Yes I do like intelligent women - what a stupid question!"

"It's nice to know I've still got it."

'Some boys think I'm pretty. Some think I'm ugly. What do you think?'

"You have to admire their ingenuity at least -- They're burying their apple cores."

"You've put on weight."

Slow food.

'I'll trade you my topsoil for your apple.'

'I'd sooner be dead than be buried here...'

Liquor Store: Lean to Open.

'Maybe I've got washboard abs underneath - you ever think that?'

"The entire time you were talking to Marissa you had a piece of spinach between your teeth."

'I wish I was still wearing size 32 underwear.'

Inattentive Boy

A Women Out For A Walk With Her Children.

"You can try all you want, but being smooth is just something you're born with."

If you think I've been witty and charming so far, wait until you see the word balloons I have back at my house.