Witty Retort Lover Pillows

'I'm looking for a 'get well' card with just a hint of 'I told you so'.'

'You're smarter than you look? -- well, I should HOPE so!'

Freudian Bar & Grill...Jungian Pub: 'We can out drink those Freudians ant day of the week!...'And twice on Sunday!' ...'Yeah!' ... e

"Touché"

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

Happy Hour 5-7. (Not really an hour, not really happy.) At last, truth in advertising.

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

"Sadie, I just heard they discovered lots of ancient cities buried hundreds of years ago in the jungles of Cambodia. They've each got weird geometric patterns outlining what may have been gardens. But no one really knows what they were used for. I guess what I'm asking you is... what were they used for? Y'know, since you were there to see them in their prime. They were used for ritual sacrifices of dullards. For educational purposes, I shall now perform one."

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"It doesn't look much like a 'witty painting' now, does it sir?"

'Sorry, but I do not recall that incident either.'

Cold caller.

The Gilmore Girls

'Sure you always catch bigger fish than me. Your arms are a foot longer than mine.'

My army drill instructors license plate is HUP-2-3-4.

"Honest, D-D-Dad. My report card's 'in the cloud.'"

Spiv

"Tom, we've started a little office pool on how long it'll take me to get your job. Want in?"

"Your Honor, I would like the record to state that Mr. Katzman is a 'hostile witness'."

'The part I like best about sex is when I light a cigarette and say next.'

"Yes, mother, I'm recharging."

"Can I have a knife and fork, please."

'I'm having trouble with drinking. . . I'm getting Arthritis in my elbow.'

Advertising makes you crave things you never knew existed.

'You Honor, my client would like to change his plea to 'pretty please with sugar on it.''

"Looks like the server is down again."

'Not tonight, I have a headache,'

"I wouldn't say that you're old, Dear, just way past your 'Best Before' date!"

'How come you always have to have the last . . .'

Liquor Store: Lean to Open.

Cylinder Head

'True but only in practice, not in principle.'

"He damaged a nerve when he pulled the thorn out. I'd have had a surefire malpractice suit if I hadn't eaten him."

"The entire time you were talking to Marissa you had a piece of spinach between your teeth."

'The wife and I have decided to nominate our weekly drink-free days as tomorrow and the day after tomorrow.'