Witty Bed-time Narrator Gifts

"I like 'Cinderella' - it's just that I feel the characters of the stepsisters are underwritten."

Late night teddy reading

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'Please make us instruments of Thy peace, starting with Bucky Sims.'

Shadow Puppet Bunny Threatened By Shadow Hawk

'She's just great with the children.'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

Goodnight Moon for the Misbegotten

'Dad's bedtime story was decent, but the special effects were non-existent.'

"Mmmm! Bears hibernate in the winter. Cats can hibernate anytime we want!"

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

'Read me the one about the ant and the obsessive-compulsive grasshopper.'

Now Simon would have nightmares about his mother's failing eyesight.

"So, when he says, 'What a good boy am I,' Jack is really reinforcing his self-esteem."

Ant story: 'and so they worked all day and they worked all night and then they worked some more, the end.'

'Put some feeling into it. I can't tell the difference between the lion and the mouse.'

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"And if that diamond ring don’t shine, Poppa will probably take it back to 47th Street and get something for your mother."

"Oh, Aunt Em, it wasn't a dream. It was a place. And you and you and you ... and you were there. But not that man with the straitjacket."

'And you're telling me this, why?'

"Customers who bought 'The Three Little Pigs' also bought...."

"Good evening, Susan. We've decided it's time you get your own bed."

This is the new Director's Cut version of Hansel and Gretel...with additional scenes and three alternative endings!!!

"Oh,oh - here comes quality time again."

"Dad, can we have a bedtime narrative?"

"I'm actually pretty ready for bed."

"I'll get up in negative five minutes."

"That dream catcher may be working a little too well."

'Am I looking sad or happy in the appropriate places?'

'Larry liked to crack the window before bed.'

'Don't touch that tooth, dad. I'm expecting the tooth fairy at any moment.'

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

Why don't you ever like to spoon?