Funny Bedtime Storytellers Gifts

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

Late night teddy reading

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

"...and the humans turned Neville into 80,000 toothpicks..."

'Please make us instruments of Thy peace, starting with Bucky Sims.'

'Assuming their porridge was poured at the same time, how could it then be too hot, too cold and just right?'

Shadow Puppet Bunny Threatened By Shadow Hawk

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'She's just great with the children.'

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

'At lone at last.'

"Why didn't one of the bears just call 9-1-1 and have that girl arrested for trespassing?"

"Mmmm! Bears hibernate in the winter. Cats can hibernate anytime we want!"

Goodnight Moon for the Misbegotten

'Read me the one about the ant and the obsessive-compulsive grasshopper.'

Now Simon would have nightmares about his mother's failing eyesight.

"So, when he says, 'What a good boy am I,' Jack is really reinforcing his self-esteem."

Ant story: 'and so they worked all day and they worked all night and then they worked some more, the end.'

'Put some feeling into it. I can't tell the difference between the lion and the mouse.'

"That dream catcher may be working a little too well."

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

'And you're telling me this, why?'

"Oh,oh - here comes quality time again."

"Good evening, Susan. We've decided it's time you get your own bed."

The Optician At Home: "....And it didn't fit the other sister, either. Then Cinderella tried on the glasses, and she could see perfectly."

This is the new Director's Cut version of Hansel and Gretel...with additional scenes and three alternative endings!!!

"Customers who bought 'The Three Little Pigs' also bought...."

"Dad, can we have a bedtime narrative?"

"And if that diamond ring don’t shine, Poppa will probably take it back to 47th Street and get something for your mother."

'The pioneers opened the frontier, but it wasn't legal until brave lawyers blazed the paper trail!'

"I'll get up in negative five minutes."

"I'm actually pretty ready for bed."

"Only one pailful? Did they have water restrictions like we do?"