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"I don't need a club or a spear, now that I've mastered sarcasm."

Stephen Fry.

'Mr. Churchill, you are drunk !' 'Yes Madam and you are ugly but tomorrow I shall be sober.'

'Of course it's been proven that warthogs are the sexiest creatures in the animal kingdom... I mean, I don't have the study with me, but, you know, look at me.'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

Oscar Wilde

'What do you think?' - 'Short, fat ugly people shouldn't wear white.'

'Date of birth?' - 'Tenth of February 1979' - 'Sex?' - 'Yes, please.' - '£1,000 fine?' - '...totally worth it.'

Brains aren't everything - to some people they're nothing.

"So what makes you think you're the man for the job?"

'I live by my wits.' - 'You obviously live beyond your means.'

'I'm still trying to build up a following here, but I'm huge in Lilliput.'

'He may be loaded, Tammy, but he's still a dirt-eating worm.'

"You're the picture of health...if the picture is Dorian Gray."

'Dear Oscar, such a dry sense of humour.'

'Give me your bag Oscar, if you want to do the genius gag.'

Wordplay: In The Bag.

"Do try to seem amused by Howard's single entendres. He's working up to a double."

"Sadly you don't get a wit by putting two halfwits together!"

Gear Box

"My boss just told me if brains were taxed, I get a refund."

"Stimulating this area of the brain will enable the patient to think of all the clever things he wished he had said."

"Technically, my bachelorhood isn't so much confirmed as it is legislated."

Another day, another conquest

"I hope that what you're reading is relevant to the business at hand."

"This is what you get for trying to be a wit."

"I write astronaut banter for NASA."

"Ok, show's over. Just let me find this."

"I'm a national conservative with a small 'C'."

Collins always had to have the last laugh.

To absent friends. Yours or mine?

Turns out I could run, but I couldn't hide

Aleksandr Griboyedov

You know, Axel, I'm on a fixed income. But since my income sucks, wouldn't it make more sense to call it a broken income?

"He loved self-referential humor."