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"When life gives me lemons, I know twenty-six ways to kill a man with a lemon."

"You have to admire their ingenuity at least -- They're burying their apple cores."

The Fourth Blind Mouse. Hey, I'm not stupid. I heard three chops and three screams and I was outta there.

If you think I've been witty and charming so far, wait until you see the word balloons I have back at my house.

Shoe Tree

Weed Killer

"You can try all you want, but being smooth is just something you're born with."

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"To paraprase Nietzsche, there is no pleasure with out pain au chocolat."

"Stop the drama. Take that wig off and wait 'till spring like everyone else."

The Coffee Shop Vats of New Jersey

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

Wordplay: In The Bag.

"As an avid red wine drinker, I can say, with certainty, that the notion that drinking clarity impares claret is false!"

'HA Ha! One good idea doesn't make a genius!'

Cat Burglar

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

"So what makes you think you're the man for the job?"

Clancy Strip: Money and Beer

Generic Store: Sign in Window

"Tell me more about your fear of going bald."

Voltaire

Lot for people who don't know how to park.

'Time and tide wait for no woman..'

"I love this time of year."

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"Your sense of humor has gone from dry to arid. . ."

Stephen Fry.

Counsel's Opinion.

Oscar Wilde

"You make a great point."

"I don't think you have a case. It's only slander if it's not true, and I've heard you play."

'I hear he has a reputation as a loose Canon.'

'Huh, that Will Shakespeare, a man of few words.'

"By the time we can marry in all fifty states, we'll probably be divorced."