Wine Warden T-Shirts

God uses a corkscrew on a volcano.

The Vineyard

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

Yoga for Alcoholics

"And for my next trick. . . turning wine back into water."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

Wine Selection 'Here we are. Our cheapest house wine. Would the gentleman care to smell the twisty cap?'

"Is there any way I can un-drink this wine?"

"We're hoping for a really smooth wine here."

'You sent your wife to get a bottle of wine from the wine cellar? Your jet doesn't have a wine cellar.'

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"I make it myself!"

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

'As Chuck's definition of terroir dragged past the 20-minute mark, Suzy concluded, the longer the explanation, the less likely you know what the word means.'

'No, you're not calling at a bad time. I'm a professional wine taster - it's alwasys a good time.'

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'So much for your theory that mixing two 50-point-rated wines equals one rated 100.'

"My wife commissioned a portrait of me."

"I'm getting cinnamon, brandy, nutmeg, a hint of Alsatian."

kangaroos hopping around in a vat of grapes to make wine for Australian wine company.

Portfolio, 2011

'I've written six books on wine; owned my own winery and taught a wine class for two years. My next goal is to taste some.'

"I'm sure you've heard of foodies - he's a drinkie."

'It has to breathe for exactly 22 minutes; then I can pour you a glass - right after the sacrifice.'

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

'I'm filling in for the sommelier. We have a fine shiraz today for only $39. It's 14.7 alcohol, a Class 1B flammable, so if I see you consume it near an open flame, I'll have to cite you.'

The virtual wine tasting was a big success

"Our sommelier - years of experience in French urinals."

'Heads it's mortgage payment, tails it's 1st growth Bordeaux.'

'My husband will order the wine. He happens to be a graduate of the 3-Second Master of Wine program.'