Wine Ritualist Gifts

'Stand back! Let the wine breathe.'

"I spend my day prepping for a good night"

Yoga for Alcoholics

'Which wine goes best with 'the old man and the sea'?'

At the mobile tracking test lab.

"Karen's idea of wine reduction..."

'It has to breathe for exactly 22 minutes; then I can pour you a glass - right after the sacrifice.'

'As part of our alternative budget management strategy we've got Tim on 'Hail Marys' in here and Geoff sacrificing a goat to Woden next door!'

'Would you like some of our house wine? I just made it.'

'I'm doing a wine tasting course, it's fascinating. . .'

"I'm treating you like a living deity for one day."

'There's over 500,000 different wines? Bernie, we've got work to do!'

"I've joined a wine-lovers club. . . so far there are only three members."

"Would you mind getting me the Ambien, the Tiger Balm, three cookies, a cup of tea and a pillow for my legs?"

'I think we're all safe now. Go ahead and say spatlese.'

"This family-owned boutique wine is produced from a single grape."

"Yee yee hee hee how how yip yip."

'I figured I was in hell when I saw the wine list - 800 selections, and they're all white zinfandels.'

"Say the whole prayer, none of this et cetera, et cetera..."

"I'm prescribing your husband a double dose of malt whiskey, to be taken twice every evening."

'I failed my wine appreciation class. I swirled, sniffed and spilled out every sample perfectly. If only I had remembered to taste them.'

Blue wine

'He's giving us a final request? Ask for a glass of Beaujolais Nouveau - that'll give us till November.'

Do you kneel to pray in church? No, we stand up for our rites.

'I just joined the Freemasons and I'm afraid you're our next sacrifice..'

'House red please.'

Recreational and Medicinal Wines

"I'm getting earthy overtones of guilt, with just a hint of sexual frustration."

Man battles for his life against 'A Very Lively Little Red'

"You've all abstained for at least one hour from any food and drink, except for water and medicine, right?"

'The trend toward less alcohol consumption at office parties is having a bad effect on my health. Wine cooler bottles are heavier than beer cans.'

'I started this vineyard 20 years ago, with absolutely nothing, and today I can proudly say I don't have less.'

"Carpe vino! Seize the wine!"

'You said you wanted a book on how to enjoy wine. This is the only 'book' you need.'

Advanced course at the Wine Appreciation Institute in my house.