Weight Gain Gifts

"'A good exercise program takes it off in places that need taking off...and puts it on in places that need putting on.'"

Dietician to man: 'To address your spare tire we must first get in touch with your inner tube.'

"All I do is swim and eat plankton, but do I lose weight?"

'Now that I've lost weight, I can't afford new clothes in my size.'

On the back of the t-shirt...

'No, honestly, it's just diet and exercise.'

"No. I can't 'let it out a bit'. It's armour, you'll just have to go on a diet!"

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

I DATED A GUY FROM THE FAIR, BUT . . .

Secretive Weigh In.

'Don't worry, you're safe. I started my diet today.'

"I hope that's low calorie eye of newt."

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

'Nothing impacts my lifestyle choices more than a veterinarian with a scale.'

"The universe is expanding! Of course I'm expanding too!"

"I hate it when the damned things decide they need to get out and burn off some calories."

To do before Saturday...

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

"The saying Use It or Lose It isn’t referring to one’s appetite."

"I want to leave myself some caloric margin of error for dessert."

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

Executive gym with briefcases for weights.

"Wow - Heavy, man"

'For heaven's sake, Lois, when are you going to give up this mad dieting of yours?' (woman falls through drain).

'Barb had her stomach replaced with a mouse's stomach to help her eat less.'

'Take one of these diet pills every time you regain consciousness.'

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

"I thought you said I needed to get some 'extra size'."

The new diet not working out too good, huh, Frank?

"Yes, if that towel weighs 25 lbs that would explain the reading."

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

"I never dreamed I'd ever enjoy watching my figure this much."