Wedding Speechwriter Gifts

Speech

"Oh, I'll be bi-partisan alright, punishing both sides of the aisle."

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"How long will we, the descendants of wolves, be content with table scraps and belly rubs?"

Clown teaches how to speak Jibberish

"Excellent, excellent. A fine blend of truths, half-truths, and blatant falsehoods."

"...and before you embark upon life's journey, could one of you help me with my laptop?"

Political convention

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

'I now pronounce you man and wife, you now may kiss you sweet little bachelor butt goodbye.'

'He does.'

'Look dear, he's writing political speeches.'

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

We need a Europe of U-turns.

Passed over at the Inaugural Poetry Audition

'How about joining us for a soda and pizza after the ceremony?'

'No, but thanks for asking,'

"I do. Have your people contact my people to hammer out the details."

Information...political rhetoric

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

'I won't lower myself to the level of my opponent.'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"But I won't bore you with the all too familiar story of a dictator's rise to absolute power,"

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

"It's time to get politics out of money."

'Everyone distrusts spin. . . so let's go back to old-fashioned lying.'

"Excuse me, Reverend, but what, exactly, do you have to do to get a drink around here?"

'Mr. President, I have a question, where's the mens' room?'

'Confusing, dangerous times call for confusing, dangerous leadership!'

A. Lincoln, President. The "of the people, by the people, for the people" part is great, Abe, but the "people who need people" section may be overkill.

'The inaugural address? It's sort of like an opening monologue.'

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

'Sir, you inaugural speech is simply wonderful. I would just suggest you say 'dear employees' instead of 'hey, you bunch of lousy slaves'.'

"First, I'll read the minutes from your last weddings."

'It's the consistently defininative obscure obviation coupled with absolute commitment to incomprehensible policy objectives that I find appealing.