Web Sleuth Gifts

'I'm very impressed with your web research, this self-diagnosis would be 100 accurate...if you were a patagonian fruit bat.'

'I'm shopping on the net.'

"The report is clear that cyber crime is on the increase, it's a worry."

"Does anyone know anything about spyware?"

"It's so cute when the boss brings his son to work and pretends to let him help out!"

'Mark my word, Walters, this is no ordinary virus.'

Alternative Medicine

"Careful! He knows computers."

"So who is this First pet?"

"..Your analysis and medication would be perfect if you were a goat."

'See, dear, you can't believe everything you read. It says so right here on the internet!'

Clickbait

Cyb-R Safe: Offering the most convincing illusion of on-line security available today!

"Honey, are we watching TV or is it watching us?"

The new Physics

'85.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

Says here the Navy's going to be patrolling the South China Sea. It could spark a history-changing war. Google tells me the last time a Naval conflict changed history, it was the Battle of Midway. You were alive at that time. How awesome was it to already be ancient when Midway happened? I never expected a question like that from a prepubescent stooge like you. Was it as awesome as when you saw Cleopatra lose at the Battle of Actium? I see you're bringing Google's a-game today.

'What an execrable day. I got drenched in a Wiki leak and buried in a document dump.'

'I'm sorry, Jason. I don't date anyone new until I've googled them.'

If at first you don't succeed call it version 1.0

"We've updated our privacy policy...it's so private we can't even tell you."

"Didn't I warn you about buying medication from the internet?!"

"I've entered your PIN for you. "

Computer Crimes

'He knows where the viruses are buried.'

Tiger discovers the online wildlife trade.

"Google gets thousands of requests each day to erase links. Most of them seem to go back to my website."

'It's something to do with a Microsoft copyright infringement.'

"Remember when, on the Internet, nobody knew who you were?"

"Our system's been cracked. How is that even possible?"

'Gimme all your cache!'

'Hey, somebody's been accessing MY email too!'

"...Software upgrade provides a seamless transition from simple functionality to multi-platform confusion, chaos and frustration..."

"I'm just sitting here collecting vast amounts of metadata. And what are you up to?...Oh, I already know."

"Don't mind me, folks, I'm just here for regular system maintenance."