Wealthy Friend Gifts

The Mortons: It's all about our money.

"We're feeling the pinch too. . . Arthur's money only lasts through half as many stores!"

"Me, I think Master and Mistress are incompetent: why else would they need a butler, 3 maids, 2 cooks, 5 gardeners, a pool boy and 2 personal assistants?"

"Work hard. Save money. Work hard. Save money. Work hard. Save money. Work hard. Save money. Yay!!! I died rich!"

Help! I'm ROFL and ICGU!

"Why bother?"

'You know you're getting old when you take longer to recover than to get tired.'

'That's what I thought, finances are tight: She's switched to no-name cat food...'

Thrift: New way to eat eggs (avoid needless transport costs).

"I just..."

'It's cheaper than gas.'

"We balanced our budget this month!"

"You really need to think about getting glasses."

Mr. Evers specifically asked for a plain coffee, not an espresso.

Rejuvenile Delinquents.

'All this talk about a consumer society... I don't buy it.'

GAS. If you have to ask, you probably can't afford it.

Remote Control Duck

"We cancelled Netfix for this?"

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

"I get it! I get it! Elephants never forget. Now quit bragging about it!"

Piggy Bank Coin I.V.

"We're going to need more pets."

"The difference between us and them is...they can be reproduced by unskilled labour."

"Well, Dr. Garcia said he's doing all he can, but he can't make me any younger. But I don't care about getting younger. I just want to keep getting older."

'How much did you save this year?'

'I can't make you younger...odometer tampering is against the law.'

Medication for the elderly

Checking for signs of life.

Buy Back the Junk We Bought at Your Garage Sale

Mort, the doctor says you can't get too riled up. It's bad for your heart. Yes, dear. You're not a young man anymore. You're not in tip-top shape. You don't eat well. You're not so muscular. I'm not a fan of your haircut. Nurse!

'I think we may have an income problem.'

Boss, customers are asking why you've doubled prices. I'm just being fair. When the cost of coffee beans go up, everyone thinks I'm justified in raising the price of coffee. But cost increases come in all shapes and sizes. What about my new 80" tv? What about my new car note? What about my manservant I just imported from London? I dream of the day when all costs can be passed on to customers equally. Greed is not a civil right issue!

"We've got a new financial advisor. I asked him how to cut down on out of pocket expenses and he said to stop wearing clothes with pockets."

'If I knew it would mean all these hospital appointments, I'd never have got old!'