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"Two different guys stole my identity, and they're suing each other to see who keeps it."

"No? Okay then, how about: my client does one year in Purgatory, no time burning in the infernal depths of Hell, and three of the lesser sins expunged."

"So, you and Jack go up the hill, Jack falls, tumbles down resulting in injury to his crown and you similarly come tumbling after. And neither of you saw the 'No Trespassing' sign?"

"After I graduate middle school, high school and college, I'll go to law school to get you out of this. But I want my retainer now."

First you're a law student, then you're a lawyer, then you're a judge, then you're a politician, then you're a criminal.

"Not guilty?"

'Do you expect the jury to believe that? And, more importantly, do you expect the viewers of the eventual TV movie of this trial to believe it?'

"The last time I was in Europe was 4 boyfriends ago..."

"Mr. Pope, please give this summons to your boss. The prosecutor wants to know how god can allow so much misery."

'I haven't spent a day in jail since I got rid of my lawyer and hired a spinmeister.'

'Way too much information on your resume.'

'No need to text me the answer to that. I'm right here.'

"Thank you for the rewind, Miss Cooper. Now let us fast-forward to that fateful moment in February and hit the pause button."

"I'll never understand it. I followed the generally accepted principles of embezzling."

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, my client blah blah...."

'For ever 'no-no' there's a legal 'yes-yes'.'

'Do your lawyers have to be here?'

Say what? Johnnie Cochran died in 2005?

"You can lie to the prosecutor but don't ever lie to your co-conspirators."

Eleven Angry Men and One Happy Chappy

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Esq.

"Can you identify the person who assaulted you and then stole your title?"

Washing line with robber outfit and swag bag hanging up to dry.

The court freezes my assets and wants me to live on $20K per month? They want me to starve!

'My client may have huffed and he may have puffed, but ladies and gentlemen, he just happens to have a very bad smoker's cough. He did not blow anyone's house down!'

Mobster Dogs Burying Bones

'I'm just saying... Maybe we're over doing the old 'good cop, bad cop' routine.'

'I was afraid cameras in the court would lead to this.'

'I will not have the species card played in my courtroom, Counselor.'

Robert Macaire as a Barrister

"In a surprising turn of events, the end testifies against the means."

"My conclusion that he lied was based on his body language, his polygraph results, and the complete implausibility of his story."

"Your Honor, the witness, in my opinion, has failed to establish credibility."

"It's not really perjury if you're a compulsive liar."

Pay Cut for QCs: 'I put it to you that this strikes at the very foundations of justice!'