Warranty Wisecrackers Pillows

"You should have purchased the extended warranty."

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

"Space is curved and time is relative? Yeah, OK...I'm calling you a cab right now, buddy."

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"'Procreate'! I've climbed all this way to hear that the meaning of life is 'procreate'?!"

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

'A bachelor's? Big deal - I have a MASTER'S degree in enlightenment!'

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

"Of course, that's just my opinion. If you want my professional opinion it will cost you."

"And when the extended warranty kicks in, we send you a big can of new car smell."

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

'I'll take the one on the right.'

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

10 Commandments if God was a Woman...

A mental-health spot quiz, Al: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single … Google search of travel websites"?

"Look, you're the one who asked me for some girl advice."

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

'This is Osgood, our most essential man -- he thinks up new ways to limit warranties!'

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

'I'm all tired out from creating - let's just use NATURAL selection from now on.'

Welcome! University of Hard Knocks...Where common sense is better than smarts!

'Well, that's a tough question, son. The truth is no one knows what happens when we die, although most religions do believe in some kind of persistent vegetative state.'

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

"You know what burns me up? I deliberately kept my life uneventful, and I got old anyway."

'Now that we can talk, let me give you some advice....'

"I'm taking a creative writing class. I turned in my checkbook and got an A."

'Let's have some fun - Let's order from that place that guarantees pizza delivery in thirty minutes!'

'If wine is 85% water, as long as I leave over 15%, I guess I can drink all I want.'

"A word to the wise..or is it a word from the wise? I always get it mixed up."

The secret to longevity is good genes, good diet, a good lawyer and witnesses with weak eyesight and poor memories.