Warranty Wisecrackers Pillows

"You should have purchased the extended warranty."

"I always check twitter before work, to see if yesterday's joke got me the sack."

'There's more to life than winning. There's also losing - to offset taxable capital gains.'

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"'Procreate'! I've climbed all this way to hear that the meaning of life is 'procreate'?!"

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

'A bachelor's? Big deal - I have a MASTER'S degree in enlightenment!'

"Actually, I think it's a cluster of SCUD missiles heading our way!"

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

"Of course, that's just my opinion. If you want my professional opinion it will cost you."

'You're getting older... it's a common complaint.'

"And when the extended warranty kicks in, we send you a big can of new car smell."

'I'll take the one on the right.'

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

"Look, you're the one who asked me for some girl advice."

'This is Osgood, our most essential man -- he thinks up new ways to limit warranties!'

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

Welcome! University of Hard Knocks...Where common sense is better than smarts!

'I'm all tired out from creating - let's just use NATURAL selection from now on.'

'Now that we can talk, let me give you some advice....'

'Let's have some fun - Let's order from that place that guarantees pizza delivery in thirty minutes!'

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER, 'That kind of thinking leads to marriage.'

"I'm taking a creative writing class. I turned in my checkbook and got an A."

"You know what burns me up? I deliberately kept my life uneventful, and I got old anyway."

'If wine is 85% water, as long as I leave over 15%, I guess I can drink all I want.'

'Well, that's a tough question, son. The truth is no one knows what happens when we die, although most religions do believe in some kind of persistent vegetative state.'

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

"A word to the wise..or is it a word from the wise? I always get it mixed up."

The secret to longevity is good genes, good diet, a good lawyer and witnesses with weak eyesight and poor memories.

'Look! There's Santa!'