Ward Laughter Lover Pillows

"I think you may have your gown on back to front."

"Oh, I like coming to the dentists. It's the only place where people actually ask me to spit!"

Snowprov

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

"I don't know whether to be mad that you had water this whole time or impressed with your commitment to the joke."

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

Acme-5000 Lie Detector

King and Jester

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

'Your Chef's Surprise, sir -- a sauteed whoopee cushion.'

'She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me...'

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

'Is there any chance I could do the five years vicariously?'

'Smile and say: tofu-based dairy substitute.'

"Well, I deal with death and carrion every day: Laughing is a therapeutic way of avoiding depression..."

'Doctor Corazon, I'm in love with you. You make my right ventricle go pitter-patter.'

"Ok, ok, how's everyone feeling tonight besides a thousand dollars poorer?"

'What shall we watch - best security videos of 2013 or operating room bloopers, blunders and bleeps?'

"Target in range. Ready... hug."

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'

"I'm sorry I really can't take you seriously."

"You were ho-ho-hoing in your sleep again!"

Hip Operation

'A friendly reminder, Mr. Parker: There's only room for one long, raucous, 'what-a-stupid-question' laugh in this company, and it's not yours.'

"...dry your eyes, m'boy, and always remember: Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, and the world laughs AT you."

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

'Scientists have confirmed that smiling is contagious.'

'That's odd. For most people, getting a pet helps lower blood pressure.'

'MILK FIGHT!'

'He doesn't get the jokes - he just laughs at the F-words.'