Wannabe Wall Street Whiz Pillows

Circa 1490: The area we now know as Wall Street.

"Gentlemen, we're missing a great opportunity by not hitching this company to the current tailspin."

'Well, Frobisher, it's taken a millennium, but thanks to our initial public stock offering, we've finally turned lead into gold.'

That Awkward Moment When You Discover That Wall Street's Insanity Is Helping You

"I hope you're not going to let this I.P.O. affect your grades."

"Now that's how to declare a dividend!"

A smiling man leaning on large piggy bank.

Warren Buffett as a child

'Mr Rombly has cancelled his appointment. The Dow is up and he's feeling no pain.'

'The latest market research shows that men's neckware width is the most accurate indicator of market fluctuations.'

'Twenty percent bluechips, ten percent small-caps, five percent currency hedges and the remainder in cash. Get that list to Santa right away.'

'You simply put up a minimum of $2,500. If the price of fish goes up, your investment goes up. If the price of the fish goes down, your investment goes down.'

'He's precocious.'

'So, in 2079 you see the company breaking even. Can you give me some idea where you see things 10 years after that?'

"It all started when I didn't grow up in a palatial estate."

'The bailouts worked, the stock market shot up to 15,000 and everyone was relieved.'

Man sees 'Palm Readings and Stock Projections' business window

'Jeez! I never realized just sitting and trying not to look stupid was so exhausting.'

Pork Bellies.

The church of our lady of wall street.

"Today big pharma stocks rose on news 'down' is a state of mind that can be treated by pharmaceuticals."

'No, your stock didn't split. The fact it's worth half of what it was yesterday is just an amazing coincidence.'

'Your indestructible portfolio will go kablooey just before your indestructible marriage goes kablooey.'

Tonight's Topic. How To Make a Killing In The Stock Market. I made a killing in the market once, but the only casualty was my investment.

"Good news. Pork bellies just dropped four points."

"All agreed? We buy low and sell high."

The New Square Mile Regulator.

'I'd like to invest in some young companies.'

'But the short term view is very good.'

'They ought to change the name of this deli to The Cramer - they get it wrong 50 of the time.'

"I learned about the birds and the bees in school. Now tell me about the bulls and bears."

Economic crisis.

'Motivation...I want huge amounts of money. Vast amounts of cash.'

'Do we have any stocks rated 'cute'?'

"After the crash I wanted to shoot myself... but I could not afford the bullet."