Wannabe Wall Street Whiz Gifts

Circa 1490: The area we now know as Wall Street.

"Gentlemen, we're missing a great opportunity by not hitching this company to the current tailspin."

'Well, Frobisher, it's taken a millennium, but thanks to our initial public stock offering, we've finally turned lead into gold.'

"I hope you're not going to let this I.P.O. affect your grades."

"Now that's how to declare a dividend!"

A smiling man leaning on large piggy bank.

'Mr Rombly has cancelled his appointment. The Dow is up and he's feeling no pain.'

'The latest market research shows that men's neckware width is the most accurate indicator of market fluctuations.'

'You simply put up a minimum of $2,500. If the price of fish goes up, your investment goes up. If the price of the fish goes down, your investment goes down.'

"It all started when I didn't grow up in a palatial estate."

'So, in 2079 you see the company breaking even. Can you give me some idea where you see things 10 years after that?'

'The bailouts worked, the stock market shot up to 15,000 and everyone was relieved.'

Man sees 'Palm Readings and Stock Projections' business window

'Jeez! I never realized just sitting and trying not to look stupid was so exhausting.'

"Good news. Pork bellies just dropped four points."

'I'd like to invest in some young companies.'

'Your indestructible portfolio will go kablooey just before your indestructible marriage goes kablooey.'

The church of our lady of wall street.

"All agreed? We buy low and sell high."

The New Square Mile Regulator.

'But the short term view is very good.'

'They ought to change the name of this deli to The Cramer - they get it wrong 50 of the time.'

"Today big pharma stocks rose on news 'down' is a state of mind that can be treated by pharmaceuticals."

'No, your stock didn't split. The fact it's worth half of what it was yesterday is just an amazing coincidence.'

"I learned about the birds and the bees in school. Now tell me about the bulls and bears."

Economic crisis.

"After the crash I wanted to shoot myself... but I could not afford the bullet."

'Motivation...I want huge amounts of money. Vast amounts of cash.'

"The market was unstable today, the brokers were unstable and the public was unstable. Analysts believe this is the new normal."