Wannabe Acrobat Gifts

Jenny has a mid-lithe crisis.

"He built his own airplane from a kit."

Reese Witherspoon

'Almost anyone can learn to play golf, and you're the 'almost'.'

Zorro as a child.

"Next, I'd like to play 'Guantanamera.'"

'Most of all, I'd like to thank god. . .'

'Hey, 'Houdini', after you figure out how to levitate the cork ou tof the bottle, I can use your magic at the kitchen sink.'

Runs-With-Scissors Boy - Part One

All Les's dreams of stardom were coming true, and he'd only played one note.

'I could have been the next Neil Young, but my ol' man made me take singing lessons.'

Wendel enjoyed magic school but he was having a little trouble in his trickonometry class.

'When we start the countdown, you creep up under the rocket, light the fuse, then run like hell.'

As Seen On TV

Their lowest cost vacation yet.

'It's not just that he plays games all the time, it's the games he plays. He's not playing 'Guitar Hero,' he's playing 'Guitar Sidekick''.

Remember how I came in on December 31st and ordered a lardo-size fudgsicle sugarbomb mocha with butter sprinkles? Well, give me another one of those. Since it's something I originally had last year, it'll be like I had this one last year too. So it won't violate my New Year's resolution. The ancient art of Time-Shift-Fu. I'm a tenth level grand master. I studied under Moe Yin, the master who created "it's not really 'cheating' if it's with an ex."

The great bespeak for Miss Snevellicci

'But Mum, I've got to practise if I want to join a circus when I grow up!'

How to win Genius Grants for Dummies!

The Don't-Quit-Your-Day-Job Comedic Revue

Everyone in Tinseltown deserves 15 minutes of obscurity.

"There comes a time, Little Buddy, when you have to just accept that you'll never be famous....that your life will never be adapted for television and that when you die, only five or six people will truly care."

Musician sings off key while his dog can only watch,his jaws strapped together

"I found my thrill on Blueberry Hill."

"Oh, no! I typed up all my New Year's Resolutions without saving copies, only to drop them in the shredder by accident! Now I'll never remember them! How clumsy of me! Oh, well!"

Who do you think you're kidding? The cub scouts don't have a "special ops."

Before and After Tattoos.

"Whenever someone scoffs at dreaming the impossible dream, I tell them to think of Bloomingdale's –the way it was long, long ago, and the way it is now."

'Confessing your sins in a folk ballad was an interesting idea, Larry, but I'm afraid your singing has forced me to add one more sin to your list!'

Blue Origin

Joel's mum was very strict. . . No homework, no air guitar.

'Thank you. Do you mind if I spray it about like they do on tv?'

And so ended the years of preparation our hero refusing to whimper even now in his final, flopping moments.

'Selma never had a lesson in her life. She picked up all that noise on her own.'