Vow Upgrader Gifts

"As long as we're renewing our vows, I'd like to trade him in for a newer model."

"...until death do you a favor."

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

"You may now kiss the bride."

"For richer or poorer, in function and dysfunction,..."

Resume Consultant. Listing professional development courses you've taken since your last job was fine, but don't put"New & Improved" above your name.

"You said it—everybody heard you."

'Do you promise to love, honor, and kiss the bed covers goodbye?'

"Are you, Michael on the same page as Melissa?"

''Love, honor, and obey'? - This needs a REWRITE!'

'I refuse to say 'Cross my heart and hope to die'.'

"We can't scrub the 'forsaking all others' bit."

"For better for worse. For richer for poorer. I sickness and in health....I warned you these vows were extremely graphic."

'Couldn't you just leave that here until we're sure the new system works?'

"I can guarantee it's the latest thing...until the next thing arrives."

"Wherever he is, I know he'll be upgraded."

It's the Fad Herald. I should've upgraded my phone. Hear ye. Today, a special announcement. The following is now in: Hope. Until further notice, that tingly, expectant feeling you're experiencing may be interpreted as optimism, mild euphoria, the illusion of better times ahead. Wow. Now that you mention it. Cool. Wait ... What do you man by illusion? Looking ahead to 2020 trends: Disappointment. Nah. We'll be fine, I'm sure.

'Don't I get to read the small print?'

'And do you Kevin, take, no arm twisting, please.'

'It's for the office computer. It's been replaced.'

"… in sickness and in health, with no chance of parole for 25 years?"

"Every time I offer them an upgrade, they click on 'not now'."

"If you're going to use a TV as your computer monitor, I suggest investing in a new model."

'Do you, Isabel, promise to give it your best shot?'

'Let's just see how intuitive this software really is.'

"I wish I hadn't rushed out and bought this model, your new model is much better!"

'Which of us can resist the technological advance?'

"I now mispronounce you, Mon and wafe"

"My husband is much like his computer. . . a constant work in progress."

"Things were great until we decided to renew our rows."

"I've managed to beat the taxman, I had a coffee in Starbucks, upgraded my Vodaphone and did some shopping on Amazon."

Are you saying I have no control over when I upgrade my devices? In effect. You've got some kind of subconscious internal clock that drives you to regularly buy a new phone, or TV, or video game console. And there's nothing I can do about it? So it would seem. How freeing. Does this revelation come with a new credit line? Go away.

"'Present' is not an appropriate response."

DEFINE "for poorer".