Virtual Stock Market Champ Gifts

"Please, sir. My fantasy stock league beat all the indexes, but I have no real capital to invest."

"Gentlemen, we're missing a great opportunity by not hitching this company to the current tailspin."

"Son, you're old enough now for The Talk: everything you need to know about compound interest."

'I think I know what the problem is!'

'Stocks were up on news that no performance enhancing drugs were used to achieve today's highs. . .'

'Why can't they call it a deer, or a squirrel market?'

"They've made these fund prospectuses much easier to read." Brochure states; 'Give us all your money and get lost."

"I hope you're not going to let this I.P.O. affect your grades."

'These latest figure are encouraging...'

"Now that's how to declare a dividend!"

'You have a balanced investment portfolio. Everything you own is losing money equally.'

'Mr Rombly has cancelled his appointment. The Dow is up and he's feeling no pain.'

'That concludes the annual report, I will now fend off questions from the stockholders.'

'The latest market research shows that men's neckware width is the most accurate indicator of market fluctuations.'

The End is Nigh

"AXP 0.78, AIG 1.12, T 2.63. . ."

"Cold drinks" "Tesla stock"

'He's precocious.'

"What do you mean, the market rallied?"

Grim Reaper leaning on scared trader.

'Stocks gyrated today on news life is full of suprises.'

Here today, Bailed Out Tomorrow.

"I love this work-from-home concept. Now I can fire someone without going to the office."

Money down the drain.

'The financial services economy has shrunk again.'

Investments: We have locally grown stocks.

"The markets seem to be a little jittery this morning."

'It's a deal, for $15 an hour, I'll stand in front of your office.'

"Good news. Pork bellies just dropped four points."

'No, your stock didn't split. The fact it's worth half of what it was yesterday is just an amazing coincidence.'

'I have more money than I know what to do with. Any ideas?'

'Your indestructible portfolio will go kablooey just before your indestructible marriage goes kablooey.'

Bottle of pills labelled 'Global Recovery Capsules,' with 'Warning: May cause inflation, deflation, nausea, panic attacks. Use caution when mixing with optimism, stocks, bonds.'

"This is a penny stock. This is a prime stock and this is a laughing stock."

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'