Vintner Gifts

"Charles, would you be my vintner?"

"Barry made the wine. I made the cheese."

Wine: New and Old.

'If the pesticides, herbicides and fungicides keep us from selling this as wine, how about we go into the nightlight business?'

'Have you tried our home-made wine?'

kangaroos hopping around in a vat of grapes to make wine for Australian wine company.

'He must be a top vintner. He's out standing in his field.'

'To save money, Bob started making his own wine. This Chablis, for example, only cost him $329 a bottle.'

"That's between me and my vintner."

'He's judging our reserve pinot noir - five years to produce it, five seconds in his mouth.'

Wine: New & Old!!!

'I brew it myself.'

'And this is wood, for the fire...and for artificially flavoring my homemade Chardonnary.'

'It's Jack's homemade Merlot - care for a scoop?'

'We never sell a wine before it's time. We're still waiting for our first big sale.'

'We only produced 50 cases this year. Most of our competitors spill more than that.'

'Hold up a sec! I'm feeling really guilty about all the destruction we've caused to vineyards around the world...Okay, I'm over it.'

'Who's the new guy?'

Wine Connoisseurs in Hell: 'You mean they're all room temperature!'

'When we bought this place we thought we'd only be making wine. Apparently, we're also into spirits.'

'You know why he married a vintner's daughter? He thought she was di-vine.'

"If the vineyard needs rain, why don't you get the truck washed?"

"Why yes, I am a professional grape stomper...why do you ask?"

"May we see something from local hydroponically grown grapes aged in casks made from non-endangered trees?"

Home Wine-Making Kit...

"I want a wine that's wise but unassuming, and not ashamed of a screw on cap."

"Wow, a full vat of grapes in 32 seconds! You're hired!"

"This wine was made for cable TV...a blend of 500 grapes varieties, but you'll only taste about 5 of them."

Grapes

Galician vineyards

"Very wishy-washy. . . really lacks conviction. . ."

'Sure, we host weddings, anniversaries and bar mitzvahs. On occasion, we even sell some wine.'

"Then the demons that drove me to Tangier to try to write fiction turned around and drove me to the Napa Valley to make wine."

A janitor stomps on, mops up and bottles some grapes to make "Truly Affordable Beaujolais".

"Do you have a white on the fruity side, with maybe a possum on the label?"