Vintage War Tale Teller Gifts

Triple espresso. Forget it, Uncle Mort. Let's face facts: You're not as young as you used to be. Too much caffeine can literally kill you. Poppycock! Do you know who you're talking to? When we stormed across Europe under Patton, my tank battalion got stuck in the mud during a torrential downpour. Arty Lang switched my canteen full of rainwater with one full of tank gas. So I replaced his tank's timing belt with tree bark and dental floss. That big galoot and I were always pranking each other lik

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

Books: Novels, Short-Stories, Tall Tales.

"I guess I was a good shot, because I took down 50 Nazis...all by myself. That's how I got my silver star. Honestly, I don't consider myself a hero. I consider myself lucky."

'My 'What I Did Over The Weekend' report is about my hunting a 17,000 pound moose, deep inside Canada.Some or all of this report has been fictionalized for dramatic purposes.'

Horror Stories.

"Listen, pal, I’m not seeing a ‘giant squirrel eating a rib-eye steak.’"

Columbus Discovers that when Exploring, It's Not Such A Great idea to Bring The Family Along.

Thank you to those who never came home and to those who never left their side.

"Tell us the one about swift justice, Grandpa."

Early accounting scandals.

Elephants never scared me. I once chased three of them into the river/I was able - before I lost my teeth - to bite a crocodile's tail right off / I'll never forget the time I roared so loud, twenty or maybe thirty monkeys fell right out of the tree.

'It was this big. I swear'

'At least, Men point cameras at you these days: In my day, they pointed guns!'

"Did you call for a Medic?"

Harry Chauvel & T. E. Lawrence

'Yeah. Yeah... Wolf, girl, grandma. I got the picture.'

'Do you honestly expect me to believe that fairy tale?

'Oh, just my old war injury acting up.'

'I swapped shirts with Peter Crouch.'

"Henry took a shower yesterday right next to Winthrop Rockefeller."

'And now for my William Tell shot.'

Left Behind

"Your story is quite the booze-filled dive into the depths of depravity. Is this your first children's book?"

'It started off as stories I told my wife.'

"Most of the time, war...it makes no sense. A lot of times, we'd hear artillery whistling over our heads. But really, you can't move. You just wait...and wait...until it hits...and hope it isn't hitting you."

Yeah, yeah, yeah - tell my editor the fables are almost done, and she'll have them as soon as

'I've been knocking for ages!'

I swear, we rode right through the town and my mistress Lady Godiva wasn't wearing a thing...

"My dad was a prize-winning bull too: According to Mum, he won a raffle once at the local fair..."

'They want the medals back. Apparently, you used a Vicks inhaler before going over the top in 1916.'

The origin of 'Rorke's drift' has long been a subject of intense speculation.

The giraffe-tamer.

If you think you have caught a record fish...make sure you have a witness...

Father imagining son with fish