Vinaigrette Virtuoso T-Shirts

"I don't bake, I don't cook, but I make one kick-ass vinaigrette."

'..and we thank thee for these bio-engineered vegetables..'

"It's kohlrabi, the next hot vegetable."

"Counsel for prose is overruled. Poetry, you may continue."

Our farmer brought fresh beans, tomatoes, corn and squash this week. Nice. You should have bought into the farm share. I've got my own farmer. Mine's cheap. Mine's cheaper. Thanks, mom. You can't take more zucchini?

'How do you folks get away with such flagrant violation of Prohibition?'

'So it's the Mumm's Cordon Rouge, '98 Pouilly-Fuisse, '86 Chateau Margaux, and the '92 Barsac - would you like any food?'

'Perfect. Do you deliver?'

'As Chuck's definition of terroir dragged past the 20-minute mark, Suzy concluded, the longer the explanation, the less likely you know what the word means.'

'No, you're not calling at a bad time. I'm a professional wine taster - it's alwasys a good time.'

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

"Vegetables, vegetables, vegetables, welcome to my dystopian world!"

Vegetable Cook

'I thought that 'remote gizmo' was just for manoeuvring the caravan down the drive!'

'Preparing rocket salad isn't domestic science, ladies.'

My therapist says I should take up basket making as a pastime!

"In my next album 'Gettin' Back', I refute all the strong beliefs expressed in 'Gettin' There', my previous album."

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

Need a vitaminlike pill, but don't want to risk the side effects? Then try the world's first multivitamin placebo! They don't do any good, but they don't do any harm either.

-A garden uses a lot of water. -Most of it perspiration.

Planting veggies

Cooking with Pierre

'Because Thanksgiving is about a bountiful harvest. That's why we have to eat all these vegetables.'

"This is nice. You have your knitting and I have my vodka."

Mom's restaurant - 'You can't leave until you've eaten your greens.'

'Coleridge'

Show and Tell.

'When you invented vegetables, Sir, did you know that my mother would be able to fit them all into one garden?'

Spiro & Pusho: watering the vine and the neighbour.

Poetry repairman

'We the jury find the defendant very, very, very, guilty.'

You will always find a spot to garden

It's the biofuel generation.

'Apparently, my wine-tasting computer liked the '86 Haut Brion a bit too much - it didn't leave any for us.'

Writer