Video Critic Gifts

Excess Baggage: Getting a souvenir you never asked for is as bad as having to watch videos of someone's vacation.

"Bond James, Bond."

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Benedict Cumberbatch

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Herman Mankiewicz

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

"Well, what did you expect? They were both missing vital organs."

"I've seem an awful lot of movies ever since they cut them all down to two minutes."

"Now Playing: One of those Jane Austen movies."

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

'This should be perfect. The main characters fall in love during a series of explosions.'

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

Difference of Opinion

"It turns out that if you give a hundred monkeys a hundred typewriters, eventually they'll turn out the work of Tarantino."

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

Men: Hating chick flicks since 1623.

Film Festival. Events. Screenings. Ernie attends these festivals in costume. He's gone over to the dork side!

Censors 'no' a good thing when they see it.

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? A scene from an Esther Williams movie.

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

'All right! Who put my dozing-off during our last meeting on youtube?'

'It was great. I hated it.'

No, this is the red lagoon, the black one is down the road a bit.

'This is the worst film noir I've ever seen.'

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

The Beard in the Stone

"Spoiler alert! I'm about to tell you the part that really bugged me about 'Wolverine.'" "You don't have to say 'spoiler alert,' minion. It's been a month." "Anyone who hasn't seen it yet has not fulfilled their role as a dutiful consumer, and deserves whatever spoilage they will receive." "In fact, let me know who they are and I'll enter them into my database. When the corporatist revolution comes, there will be consequences." "Um... never mind."

'Hey, Charlie, have we got good news for you!'

The Da Vinci Cod