Vicarious Liver Gifts

"We outsourced our joyless TV dinners to a delightful couple from next door."

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

"We stumbled onto a house - and both of us being young and in love and quick to grasp the situation - "

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

"Black or white, Vicar?"

'Do you promise to love, honor and remain co-dependent until death do you part?'

Priest's 'To do' list.

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

Night-time halo

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

" ... and peace be with you, although not likely."

'Who's this 'Art in Heaven' guy you keep talking about?'

Early Piety

"Actually, I'm really looking for blessings that aren't in disguise"

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"I hope you won't repent afterwards, Vicar, It's a devilishly hot vindaloo!"

'First the dinosaurs, now this...'

Thou Shalt Not!

Teaching a Sunday school class didn't end the way John imagined.

'No, but thanks for asking,'

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

"In the same of the phone, the tablet, and the desktop computer."

'You were great at 'Daniel in the Lion's Den!' -- I'd sure like to hear you do 'The Three Little Pigs' sometime!'

'How about joining us for a soda and pizza after the ceremony?'

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

'....Till death do you part, don't say I didn't warn you.'

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

'I've got two tickets to Handel's Messiah -- What time do you get off work?'