Vicarious Liver Pillows

"We outsourced our joyless TV dinners to a delightful couple from next door."

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

"We stumbled onto a house - and both of us being young and in love and quick to grasp the situation - "

"Black or white, Vicar?"

Priest's 'To do' list.

'Do you promise to love, honor and remain co-dependent until death do you part?'

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

Night-time halo

'Who's this 'Art in Heaven' guy you keep talking about?'

"Actually, I'm really looking for blessings that aren't in disguise"

Early Piety

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

'First the dinosaurs, now this...'

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"I hope you won't repent afterwards, Vicar, It's a devilishly hot vindaloo!"

Thou Shalt Not!

Teaching a Sunday school class didn't end the way John imagined.

"In the same of the phone, the tablet, and the desktop computer."

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

'No, but thanks for asking,'

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

Dogma

'You were great at 'Daniel in the Lion's Den!' -- I'd sure like to hear you do 'The Three Little Pigs' sometime!'

'....Till death do you part, don't say I didn't warn you.'

'How about joining us for a soda and pizza after the ceremony?'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

Priest

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

'I've got two tickets to Handel's Messiah -- What time do you get off work?'