Veggie Whisperer T-Shirts

'The salad is that expensive because we had to find a new place for the snails and worms.'

'That chap really knows his onions!'

'You've got to cut back on your high fibre diet. That's not stubble, it's grass!'

"You've got your foot on my shallots, mate."

'Mutter mutter...I was talking to my broccoli.'

'There are some good things about a vegetable garden. Dirt at your fingertips, for instance.'

'Stephen's down on the allotment, gathering in nature's bounty.'

Still life?

'You can't beat home groan.'

Examine stored vegetables and throw out those which show signs of rotting.

We're building someone's raised garden beds? Yup. Then planting them and installing a water system. Tree's Trees. How much do they cost? Here's the price list. So about $500 per tomato. You can't buy them for that at the store! Tree's Trees.

Ways to Misuse Ventriloquism

"I discovered a way to get Steven to eat his vegetables. I put chocolate syrup on them."

"I give up! I stock up on chicken treats and now the cat tells me he's gone vegetarian!"

"I got the kids to try more vegetables by putting sugar in the salt shaker."

"This is for you. Your garden is so great this year, we voted you an honorary rabbit!"

"Don't worry about all that spinach. After mom cooks it, there's only this much left."

"My biggest problem is squatters."

"I love this place—its food, its ambience, and its political goals."

'If he grabs the broccoli, we turn on the Raffi tunes. If he heads towards the Playstation, he hit him with the air horn at 100db.'

Gardener attacked by plants.

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

"Just a couple of ninety cent seed packets, and you can have fresh garden vegetables for heaven knows how long."

"I hope we can sell everything before it's time for mom to make dinner."

Veggie Hall of Fame.

Better Not Squash.

"You can't make me eat Brussel sprouts Mum: it's illegal to force-feed geese in this country!"

'Because Thanksgiving is about a bountiful harvest. That's why we have to eat all these vegetables.'

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Dad, you know that I'd never buy a pet that eats meat. Luckily, I found a guy who sold me the World's only vegetarian dog!'

"Save yourself — it’s a casserole!"

"My mom is a vegetarian, so she doesn't bring home the bacon. She brings home kale and quinoa."

If we build raised beds and a compost bin now

TV's hot new political show: Meet the Produce. From the left, a giant carrot. From the right, big broccoli. Let's be frank. The Republicans have no fiscal discipline. And the tax-and-spend liberals do? We're not ballooning the deficit! Waging war to promote freedom is not free! You stupid rotten vegetable! You're low in vitamin E! Cut to commercial.

Taken genetic engineering too far