Vegan Food Pillows

"I'll have a gluten-free, hypoallergenic vegan cookie with whipped hand-sanitizer topping."

Health Conscious Halloween

"I love this place—its food, its ambience, and its political goals."

"States of tofu"

What do you mean you prefer the sound of the sign of the right?! What part of 'either way we're dead' do you not understand?

"Wait—did you procure that worm humanely?"

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

'Congratulations on your 100% plant-based diet. I'm referring you to a botanist.'

What's In Her Bag? Coachella Edition!

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

"Two vegans, please."

Queen of Quinoa

"At first glance this diet might seem boring but then you realize there are actually seven varieties of kale!"

"Mom, I'm at work – let me call you back after I finish stocking milk for wealthy vegans who like beet juice in their meat alternatives so they can still get that bloody effect when cooking without guilt."

Before/After

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

"I don't see a destination called 'Veganville' sir."

"Is the asparagus farm-raised or wild-caught?"

"Is there a vegan option?"

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

"What do you call a person who only eats corn?"

"I'm afraid it's not cheese, it's 'cheese-like'."

'Powdery stuff? Oh, that's egg substitute, from the Vegan lobby.'

'Is this still America?'

"Charles didn't like tofu."

"I can't go much longer without your asking why I'm vegan."

Like lambs to the slaughter, my ass.

Happy Surrogate Thanksgiving

Veggie Hall of Fame.

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

'It's going to be a vegan.'

"They say we destroy plants – such as potatoes, corn and carrots – and they're boycotting us. They're fruitarians."

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

"We would like to be genetically modified to taste like Brussels sprouts."