Vegan Detective Gifts

'I'm not sure if I'm a vegan or not but I do only eat animals that are herbivores.'

"States of tofu"

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

"Mom, I'm at work – let me call you back after I finish stocking milk for wealthy vegans who like beet juice in their meat alternatives so they can still get that bloody effect when cooking without guilt."

"That's it young man. . . No more energy drinks for you!"

"Hey, welcome to the Catskills. Anyone here from New Jersey?"

Clandestine cows.

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

'Health Benefits of a Vegan Diet... How the heck did this get here?'

'This article says there was a break-in at the museum last night. I don't suppose you know anything about that.'

"It's natural, vegan organic, no additives, preservatives or cooking."

"I told the cook I would prefer that she use some kind of artificial blackbird substitute."

'The diet books really worked for me...I bought so many I couldn't afford any food.'

'And since this product consists of 100% artificial ingredients, we can truthfully say it's vegan!'

"Don't try the candied yams and sweet peas, turns out they are vegetables."

'It says, 'If you want more fiber, eat the package.'

"Are there any reports of illness at this table?"

"'Tofu'? Qu'est-ce que c'est 'tofu'?"

'First of all, I'm taking you off the iron supplements.'

"After going vegan, replacing all the animal heads just made sense.'

'First Lady Lettuce goes missing...'

"Good boy Alex! You've eaten all your vegetables again."

I guess I outta take science classes if I'm really going to help the environment. What for? You want to be a famous actress

"I'm thinking of switching to an all vegan diet...based on carrots...mainly carrots..."

"There are no animal products in our dishes, but since the meals are prepared by animals, you may find some stray hairs."

"The manna tastes okay, but I'd feel better if I had a list of ingredients."

'Trust me, the deer have been here. I see tracks everywhere... and look! Fresh droppings!'

"Can we be seated under a vegan painting?"

'This stuff isn't genetically engineered, is it?'

"Noooo, nothing I'd really call fresh. Freshish maybe."

'That IS the chef's surprise, sir -- the pork chops are really tofu.'

It's Humpty-Dumpty! Tell the King we don't know who's behind it. But we suspect poachers!

Vegan Insomnia

"I'm looling for ground beef that's organic, non-GMO, and doesn't contain meat."

Woolly tofu.