Vegan Gifts

Tofu: Firm, Soft, Amusingly Jiggly

Dale regretted going to the Vegan restaurant.

I want to introduce Herbert to your pet monkey. Mortkey? He's not my pet. He can be Herbert's new friend - His first talking animal friend. They'll be like brothers. Herbert will be so much less lonely. Wait! Unless

"Twice a week I eat nothing but fruit."

'First Lady Lettuce goes missing...'

Protesting Asparagus

"At first glance this diet might seem boring but then you realize there are actually seven varieties of kale!"

Vegetarian Restaurant: Choose Your Own Cabbage

"I love this place—its food, its ambience, and its political goals."

"States of tofu"

What do you mean you prefer the sound of the sign of the right?! What part of 'either way we're dead' do you not understand?

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

You want me to be a what? A hipster. My research shows caf

"Wait—did you procure that worm humanely?"

'Congratulations on your 100% plant-based diet. I'm referring you to a botanist.'

What's In Her Bag? Coachella Edition!

Who should be the next eco-club president? The most vegan? The most carbon neutral? The most into solar? Eco-club. But we need someone who will attract kids to the environmental cause. Then it's obvious. The most popular. Or most athletic!

"Two vegans, please."

"Mom, I'm at work – let me call you back after I finish stocking milk for wealthy vegans who like beet juice in their meat alternatives so they can still get that bloody effect when cooking without guilt."

Before/After

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

Queen of Quinoa

"Is the asparagus farm-raised or wild-caught?"

"I don't see a destination called 'Veganville' sir."

"Is there a vegan option?"

'Is this still America?'

"What do you call a person who only eats corn?"

'Powdery stuff? Oh, that's egg substitute, from the Vegan lobby.'

"I'm afraid it's not cheese, it's 'cheese-like'."

"Charles didn't like tofu."

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

"I can't go much longer without your asking why I'm vegan."

Like lambs to the slaughter, my ass.

Happy Surrogate Thanksgiving