Vegan Gifts

Tofu: Firm, Soft, Amusingly Jiggly

Dale regretted going to the Vegan restaurant.

"Twice a week I eat nothing but fruit."

'First Lady Lettuce goes missing...'

Protesting Asparagus

"At first glance this diet might seem boring but then you realize there are actually seven varieties of kale!"

Vegetarian Restaurant: Choose Your Own Cabbage

"I love this place—its food, its ambience, and its political goals."

"States of tofu"

What do you mean you prefer the sound of the sign of the right?! What part of 'either way we're dead' do you not understand?

"Wait—did you procure that worm humanely?"

"First Lady Lettuce goes missing, then Colonel Crouton followed by Reginald Radish... Great Caesar's Ghost! Someone is making a salad!"

'Congratulations on your 100% plant-based diet. I'm referring you to a botanist.'

What's In Her Bag? Coachella Edition!

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

"Two vegans, please."

Queen of Quinoa

"Mom, I'm at work – let me call you back after I finish stocking milk for wealthy vegans who like beet juice in their meat alternatives so they can still get that bloody effect when cooking without guilt."

Before/After

Man Eating Minimalist Meal

"I don't see a destination called 'Veganville' sir."

"Is the asparagus farm-raised or wild-caught?"

"Is there a vegan option?"

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

"What do you call a person who only eats corn?"

"I'm afraid it's not cheese, it's 'cheese-like'."

"Charles didn't like tofu."

'Powdery stuff? Oh, that's egg substitute, from the Vegan lobby.'

'Is this still America?'

"I can't go much longer without your asking why I'm vegan."

Like lambs to the slaughter, my ass.

Happy Surrogate Thanksgiving

Veggie Hall of Fame.

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."