Vanity Connoisseurs T-Shirts

I'm the gorilla's nuts... I'm the dog's bo****ks... He's never been good at hiding his light under a bushel.

"I groom all day and still look like a baboon."

"I can never get my sunglasses on my head the way my hairdresser does"

Cover Design for the Yellow Book, Vol 3- Street Lamps Lighting a Lady's Toilet Mirror

Man admiring his patterned clothes in the mirror

'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest algologist of all?'

"Do you have any of that after shave that makes me look like Brad Pitt?"

'Maybe a helium boob job wasn't such a good idea,babe!'

'Don't all look at me like that! What did you expect the face pack to do for me?'

'I washed the gray right out of my hair, but now I can't get the gray out of my tub.'

"Hair spray"

Insecurities of the Bald Eagle.

'Still workin' on the beard, Jerry?'

'You're on Deck! Wilson! Hurry up with that pedicure!'

"How are the new lips feeling babe?"

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

"...And please let at least one person admire my new hat!"

'I can't see anything through these ridiculous tiny slits, I'll take them.'

'Mommy puts on a disguise every time, before she goes to work.'

Vanity artist

"Look at me, everyone! I'm amazing!"

Man brushing the teeth of his reflection.

TV-Mirror.

'If you ain't broke, I'll fix it.'

'I turn the other cheek more now that Botox has made it wrinkle-free.'

'Get the 'extra hold' bear spray. I want to look good when we come out of hibernation.'

'Mommy didn't bring a stick. Boo Boo want to fetch a lipstick?'

'I like to stay fit. Or at least wear a lot of lycra.'

"The selfie of Dorian Gray"

'I know how you feel.'

"There's something you should consider before you begin—my hair works hard and it plays hard."

Extreme Vanity Press - Fall, 2007

'Seth, please bring me a copy of every search engine article that mentions my name in a favorable light. I need an ego boost.'

Tanning Machine on the beach

Bill Jones - Bill Jones w/out makeup