Urban Life Commentator Gifts

Racial Consensus

Reserved crime scene.

'The meek don't want it!'

Next Suicide - 3 mins.

'Don't you just love fast track justice?'

Santa's sleigh is being towed - 'No sleigh parking'.

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

'This country is on the road to ruin.' - 'Well, it'll never get there in this traffic.'

Ten Plagues for Today's Seder

"It keeps it out of sight when we're not watching it."

'It's not easy to get one of these - before that you have to have found a parking space!'

Demonic Repossession.

"Show me a man who's optimistic about the human race..."

From Here You Can See Bugger All

Man watches a cat enter a pet door to a "V.I.P. Lounge" in an airport

Back to Normal

"No way! You're a telemarketer?! This is so great – hold on, I want to get comfortable ... how did you get my number?"

"The doctor wants you to point to where it hurts."

"They put nipples on the mannequins so you'll look at the stupid sweaters. Duh!"

Sculptor explaining to tourist in Trafalgar Square that sculpture of pigeon is called 'Retribution - it actually doubles as a giant privy!'

Our Troubled Chowders

"Is there someone have called Frobisher?"

"I'm charging you with texting and driving."

'I was texting when my pop spilled on my laptop, which made me drop my iPod. So you see, officer, it wasn't my fault. Blame technology.'

"This is the main house, plus there's a cottage on the property where your Lyft driver would live."

'We're looking for a wifi hotspot.'

"It just doesn't crackle like the one on Netflix."

"I'm pretty sure there's a Starbucks on the other side of that big rock."

"Please help! God struck me blind for not giving to a blind beggar."

"Meaning of life!!" "Meaning of 'Game of Thrones' series finale"

"Scan my own items, bag my own food? If I wanted to work here, I'd fill out an application!"

"Better idea! Let's obstruct traffic in the guy's neighborhood and make his morning commute difficult!"

"I know there are people who look like their pets, but..."

"Well done, doctor. I've never seen a phone removed from a hand so skillfully before."

"The public's taste in entertainment has certainly changed."